Mean girls are not just a problem in high school, as in the movie Mean Girls; some take their act into adulthood. You may encounter them at work, or even at church. They may be in a group with you or leading a volunteer organization. Maybe you have a neighbor who is one. You may encounter one at a child’s sporting event. They may even be a member of your family. Or maybe they are a friend. Have you heard of the term “frenemy”? That’s where the term comes from: girls who are mean even to their friends. When people try to tell me that my enemies are only spiritual, it sends up red flags. When Jesus instructed us to love our enemies, He was talking about people.
What is a Mean Girl?
Mean girls are those who engage in what is called relational aggression. At the adult level, the goal is to gain complete control, but their tactics are the same as adolescent mean girls. Those tactics include gossiping, rumor-spreading, ostracizing, bullying, harassment, and the like. Sometimes other women will participate in the attacks, go along with the bullying, or become silent bystanders.
Signs of a Mean Girl
While boys are more likely to engage in physical bullying, they too sometimes engage in the more covert type of relational aggression more commonly known as mean girl behavior. Here are signs to look for to help spot this type of behavior:
Envious
Mean girls will often go to great lengths to have the best of everything: looks, clothes, boyfriends, etc. To come out on top, a mean girl may seek to ruin the other person’s relationships, or their credibility, or they may even try to harm the person they are trying to best.
Superficial
Mean girls are often hyper-focused on looks. Not only may they be overly concerned about their own appearance, but about the appearance of others. As a result, mean girls may be critical about another’s appearance and may even withhold friendship from someone who does not meet their standards.
Along the same lines, mean girls care very much about what others think of them. To get to the top of the social ladder, they may befriend someone they think will help their popularity and bully those they think threatens it.
See Related: Developing Inner Beauty
Frenemy
Mean girls have toxic friendships where there are regular spats and lots of drama. They engage in harmful behavior toward those they consider friends.
Controlling
Furthermore, mean girls gain charge of their group of friends that they exclude others from joining with their unspoken rules on physical appearance or social status. Fear of becoming the target themselves causes the others in the clique to follow their lead.
How to Deal With Mean Girls
Finding yourself the target of a mean girl can be very stressful and painful experience to endure. Since we are charged to love our enemies, here are some ways to respond to a mean girl attack:
1. Remember Whose You Are
Do not allow mean girls to devalue you. Know that your worth is in Christ Jesus, not in their opinion of you. Do not be judged by their worldly standards. Review your Christian affirmations if you need reminders about how special you are to God and how much He loves you.
“He predestined and lovingly planned for us to be adopted to Himself as [His own] children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the kind intention and good pleasure of His will— to the praise of His glorious grace and favor, which He so freely bestowed on us in the Beloved [His Son, Jesus Christ].”
– Ephesians 1:5-6 AMP
See Related: Becoming a Daughter of God
2. Remember That Vengeance is the Lord’s
While you may be tempted to strike back against those attacking you, trust that God is fighting your battles. God will definitely take vengeance on those who attack you.
In my own experience, I have witnessed God smite my foes long after my wounds have healed and even after I have prayed on their behalf that it is okay for the matter to be dropped. But no, God means what He says. And trust me, His vengeance is far worse for them than anything you can do on your behalf, anyway. Be patient; He will avenge you.
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath [and His judicial righteousness]; for it is written [in Scripture], “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM; IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR BY DOING THIS YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” Do not be overcome and conquered by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
– Romans 12:19-21 AMP
3. Pray
Turning the other cheek and waiting on the Lord will take some strength of character. Pray for God to give you the strength to let Him fight for you. This is especially true when the attacks are ongoing, as bullying often is. You will, therefore, want to pray in order to know how to deal with future attacks and for guidance for dealing with the current one. God will reveal to you step by step what your course of action should be.
Also, pray for them. Pray that they will repent, that they will turn from their ways. Pray that God will heal them of all that has led them on this path.
“The LORD will fight for you while you [only need to] keep silent and remain calm.”
– Exodus 14:14 AMP
4. Don the Full Armor of God
The types of behaviors that mean girls engage in will require your armor to overcome: Extinguish every fiery dart with your shield of faith. Counter every lie with the truth of God’s Word. Show love in response to their hate. Be prepared to share the Gospel when they are taken aback by your response and wonder what is different about you.
5. Let Your Light Shine
Do not lower yourself to their level and engage in gossip about the situation. Do not allow the hateful antics of mean girls to distract you from producing quality work. Continue to perform at a high level on your job. Remain professional and calm in your responses. If you aren’t able, walk away. Let your work speak for you.
6. Seek Godly Counsel and Support
Report the behavior as soon as you can. Nip harassment and bullying in the bud so that the mean girls get the message that you are not the one to target, and that there will be repercussions if their behavior continues.
Document, document, document. And get support in confronting those engaging in abusive behavior (Matthew 18:15-17).
7. Forgive Them
Even if they do not ask for forgiveness, forgive them. Have compassion on them for not knowing better and pray that one day they will learn and change their ways.
“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”
– Colossians 3:13 NLT
Final Thoughts
Research shows that the effects of mean girl behavior are long-lasting, even for mean girls themselves. If you witness mean girl behavior, do not become a silent onlooker or you will be just as guilty of mean girl behavior as the leader is. Remember that bullying usually involves an imbalance of power, so step in when you witness it. Call out lies when you hear them. Defend the defenseless. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.
See Related: 15 Ways to Clothe Yourself in Kindness
Until next time, lovelies 🤗💖
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Excellent in presenting whatnot looks like at any age and resting in Gods truth. I’ll be sharing this with other women.
Thank you so much! 😊🙏🏽